I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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