Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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