happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
