So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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