I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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