I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
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