He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
