Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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