I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
