On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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