So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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