whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
