I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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