How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
