yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
