i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
