I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You left your phone here
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