i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
