life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
