Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
