I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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