he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i think i have two assholes
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
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