areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
