how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
she told me i tasted like america
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Found your dick twin last night
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
