I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
