When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Of course I have a pirate flag
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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