GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
