I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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