I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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