if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
