i don't like sucking hair
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
