Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
