i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize