I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
