So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
