WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
