i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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