So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
