Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
