when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
