I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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