does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
