i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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