did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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