At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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