My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So much rum. So many feels.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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