The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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