The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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