it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
