I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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