I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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