my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
