I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
