i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
