Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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