Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize