I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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